Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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