So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
