I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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