I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
