Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize