I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
