im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
