I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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