so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
