ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
