end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
