Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
