If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize