hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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