He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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