I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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