i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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