Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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