Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
