loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
