they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
