last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
