Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
