I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
