I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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