You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
