youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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