it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
pray to the hookup gods
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
