we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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