just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
