youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
