Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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