Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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