Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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