i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
