Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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