when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
