before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
