On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize