Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
