My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
