im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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