You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
