I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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