i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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