Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize