and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize