I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
