When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Bring me that man meat
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
