There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
