honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
