remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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