I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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