Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
