when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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