i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
