So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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