he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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